A couple weeks ago I posted an Instagram story asking if people would be interested in taking a short survey about hosting. The questions were modeled off of Sheila Heti’s sketch for what would shape the book Women In Clothes.
The Emily Post in me has always wanted to write about etiquette for hosts and guests so here is a much less serious version of that from a small but shared perspective. This is based on ten responses, the intention isn’t to be comprehensive but in reading them I felt my perspective both validated and shaken so hoping to share that feeling with you.
In asking people to define personal hosting rules I came across a lot of good advice and commonality. Two people really emphasized cleaning, two not trying something new, two people prefer to have the food basically finished while one respondent prefers to cook while guests are present. An influential chant that my friend and collaborator Kim heard from her father, “Fill the house with delicious smells, ply them with liquor, make them wait” while I also read “respect people’s time” in the interest of keeping a tight timeline. This is the first time I’ve been able to appreciate that the act of hosting mirrors one of my favorite things about wine: its ability to hold and further define two things that at first glance seem contradictory. The other night I was served dinner at 10:30 though the invitation was for 8, it was right on time. I would never do this.
My co-worker & friend Bridget set the tone for hosting rules everyone should follow, “making sure your guests are comfortable” which was set up to be unpacked by the respondents that followed. It is essential to: have enough food and places to sit, be aware of food allergies, make a good playlight, having the table set in advance (with candles please!), let people know what they can bring so it takes the strain off guessing (also let people bring things), and prioritize being with your guests. Cub, of course, recommends to pop a bottle right when people arrive and have the first drink together, it “feels like the special moment that the evening is now in motion.” A small ritual that makes everyone feel included right away, helping define that your attention is on your guests. Including this here is a way of editorializing this piece and suggesting that I think everyone should do this even if it is not alcohol.
While a lot of people continue to take inspiration from true hospo icons like Ina Garten and Martha Stewart, I think this nod to considering time with others as essential to hosting is in response to how consuming Stewart’s world can be. A starting off point for many, but people referenced fictional characters Jay Gatsby and Mrs. Dalloway, art world hosts Elsa Maxwell, Marie Helene de Rothschild, and the Bloomsbury Group, some cooks like Anna Stockwell and Yotam Ottolenghi. Unsurprisingly Moms, Dads, and friends are the strongest inspiration for most and I guess a reason you would host is to continue making this impact on the people in your life. Passing along what has imprinted on you like an intangible heirloom.
That is not what anyone said in response to number eight, the question of “What is hosting about, for you?” I’ve been thinking about my friend Tim’s response a lot, to no conclusion, so wanted to share it here (it has been shortened): “I think a lot of writing about hosting is fundamentally bullshit because it does not acknowledge that there is a part that is about control and having things your way and being the center of something. Which is ok! It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.” Hoping always to be less bullshit.
We have a lot of party wine in the shop (magnums), fresh pet nats from Martin Worner and Alanna Lagamba you can have on the ready for when people walk in the door, and olive oil from Cantina Giardino which does a lot of heavy lifting so you can hang.
Thank you to Bridget Barry, Pat McMahon, Desmond Taylor, Cubby Dimling, Noël Morical, Tim Mazurek, Chuck Cruz, Joe Borgese, Mackenzie Beyer, Kim Upstill for contributing.
In the interest of brevity and readability I focused on responses to questions one, two, and four with some light inspiration from others. If you feel like taking it I’d still love to read it, email your answers to rainbowwinechi@gmail.com.
Host Survey
Based on Sheila Heti’s first questions for a dressing survey written in 2012
What are some hosting rules that you have for yourself that you wouldn’t recommend to other people necessarily, but which you follow?
What are some hosting rules that you think everyone should follow?
What are the preparation rituals you follow? Ex: are you always gathering recipes? Do you buy food for company even if you don’t know if you will have any? Do you burn incense before guests arrive?
What people from culture, past and present, do you admire or have you admired, in menu making and party throwing? Are there any people you took as models who you tried to emulate, even if only in details, not the whole?
Are you a fan of certain food writers, and if so who (does not have to be contemporary)?
How considered is your table setting? Is this a big part of it for you?
How do you conceive of your menu?
What is hosting about, for you? What are you trying to do and achieve by having people over?
What is the last meal you cooked for guests?
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