for when you're rusty

 At work

I’ve been serving a little lately at the restaurant where I work and I’m so rusty. I feel nervous approaching people, last week I was hovering over someone deep in story. She had some food on her plate but hadn’t touched it in ages. The rest of the table was clear. Someone sitting two seats down said, “Just touch her back she won’t mind.” And I did. And she didn’t mind. It’s obviously not that bad but when you’re trying to be almost invisible it is hard to accept you are being extremely noticed and aside from that the whole thing would have never happened two years ago. Two years ago when I was in a rhythm, when I had been practicing gentle interruption for 6 or 7 years straight.

Later I fill the host’s water glass to the brim and say, “Sorry I sabotaged your water glass.”

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There is a new barback training to work weekends now, he’s trying to garnish a cocktail with a single flower petal. Trying to pick it up with tweezers and place it on the surface of the liquid. It’s taking a while. The bartender walks up and kindly finishes the task. I say to the barback, “Isn’t it so funny that that seems easy when you look at it? And in a week when you are good at that you will take for granted that it was something you had to learn?” He doesn’t seem to find it annoying though I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

Wine shared w my coworkers, my coworker at Rainbow (Cub) gave it to me earlier in the day, right before my birthday.

Breakfast

On the bus on the way to late breakfast I’m listening to Charli XCX’s new album and lingering on the song How Can I Not Know What I Need Right Now. It plays through and I put it on again. I’m thinking about how out of step I am with service, what used to come easily, the thing that pulled me into myself. The song references Cherrelle’s Saturday Love, Charli says she wants to make herself feels better on “Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday”. The familiar cadence is soothing and punctures the angsty pop so listening to the song doesn’t feel like wallowing. In this time it’s a genuine question “how is this the case”?

Some good yardsticks for moodiness are how many clothes end up on the floor before you feel ready to leave the house and how long does it take you to figure out what to eat. My room is messy and I never think about what to eat, I eat staff meal at work and at home I eat my boyfriend’s leftovers.

My friend is late to late breakfast and I get a chance to sit with the book I brought with me, Tamar Adler’s Something Old, Something New: Classic Recipes Revised. Almost through the first chapter one of the servers walks over and asks what I’m reading. I’m beginning to describe it when the other server walks over and says something like, “Oh I love Tamar Adler, she writes about food in the way I think about it.”

The first chapter of the book is called “When You Are Famished” it’s about hors d’oeuvres and everything sounds good to me as I read. Adler’s style is more like prose with recipes woven in, no pictures, it’s easy to consider the book a page turner as each part slides into the next. I’ve lent the book out so I can’t remember if this precedes or follows the recipe but she introduces one lavishly. She writes that she made this chicken liver pâté for her brother’s wedding and late in the night they spread it on fried chicken. In searching for the recipe again sans book there is an article in Food & Wine magazine where they make it together, which makes me realize it is maybe their recipe together. Her brother was the chef at a restaurant called Franny’s in Brooklyn for a long time and she is constantly referencing learning from him. It stands out, I think in the way that I was wanting red wine in August as “extra guts”, I’m famished. I make it for some people I love and then I eat it for breakfast almost every day.

Breakfast

Chicken Liver à la Toscane à la Adler siblings (adapted from Something Old, Something New)

Tamar Adler serves this pre portioned on toast as an apéro snack. I served it originally as a gesture toward an entree with a loaf of bread on the side. It uses crème fraîche instead of butter so do not expect that buttery consistency from this preparation, it sits more softly on the bread. I buy chicken livers from Fresh Market on Western.

Serve with the kind of white wine you like, we had it with a sharp Chardonnay but I think something gentler might be even better. We're getting some wine from Damien Bastian in Savoie this week that I would love to have with this.

1 pound chicken liver

Olive oil

¾ cup red wine

1 medium onion, diced

2 cloves of garlic, chopped

3 tbsp capers

4-8 anchovies up to you

1 tbsp chopped sage

1 tbsp chopped rosemary

2/3 cup crème fraîche

1. Season the livers with salt and cook them in some olive oil until they are just pink in the center. Cut one open in the pan to check. Transfer cooked liver to a bowl.

2. Add a big glug of red wine to the pan and reduce it by half. Add it to the bowl of livers.

3. Add more olive oil to the pan, once heated add the onions to soften. When no longer opaque add the garlic and continue until both yield to your spoon.

4. Add the capers, anchovies, and herbs to the pan, cook until the anchovies disappear. Then, introduce the rest of the red wine and cook until the liquid has nearly gone. Set aside.

5. Put the livers and creme fraiche in a food processor or blender and puree until smooth. Add the caper/anchovy/herb mix and puree until you see your chosen texture. I like to just barely combine the two parts.

6. Refrigerate until serving. This keeps for 4 days.